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Frances Kelleher | Dating Coach & Dating Expert | Ireland

Frances Kelleher Coaching

Multi-Award Winning Coach

Dating expert Frances Kelleher shares the one thing women do that halts their love lives

If you want to find true love stop filling your head with false love stories!

Love is great. Love is the best feeling in the world when you are in it. You literally feel like you are on a different planet. I totally understand, we are all looking for the real deal in this one and only life we get.

Us girls want nothing more than our unique fairy tale, we want to win first place in our guys heart. But the quickest way to bypass getting there, in other words fail, is by making excuses and filling your head with your own love stories. I really think this is more of a girl thing, but I have seen some guys do it too.

Some of the reasons for doing this is fear, consoling ourselves or buying ourselves more time with the guy we really like. The main reason we need to make these excuses is because we don’t like the reality of what is happening. We don’t like how the relationship is unfolding. If we did, we would tell it like it is and that would be enough because we would be happy and secure in the truth.

For example, you’re having casual sex with a guy and you tell yourself you’re just having fun. But this can’t be true because when Oxytocin, the love chemical that gets released in a woman’s body when she orgasms, bonds you to him. You can’t beat mother nature. She made the rules!

Or when you’re with a guy who won’t commit, you tell yourself that you don’t want to get married anyway, but really you do. Another example is you meet a guy and he’s not playing ball the way you’d like him to. He took your number and the next night he texts you at midnight asking can he come over.

In your heart you know it’s a booty call but you like him so much you tell yourself some stories like ‘maybe he was really busy all day and really it’s great that he messaged so fast, he could have left it a few days but he didn’t’, or ‘it’s great he really wants to sleep with me, he must really like me.’ No, no, no. He is doing what he wants which is the bare minimum, which by the way is never a good sign at the beginning and you’re participating in his tryout!

Dating is just like sport that way. He will either pick you for his team, reject you, or worst of all, he’ll put you on the bench. This is where he can call and drop you sporadically, you’ll sit there in the hope to make it onto the team someday.

Now I have to say in this situation, from my experience, this is not a good thing. If he was really into you, he would know he wants you on the team and would be trying to convince you to sign up with his best behaviour! All is not lost though as you can still turn things around with your reaction. Like anything in life, it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.

So how do I get on the team and make the cut you ask? The simple and direct answer is you play your best. You give a peak performance that includes back flips and kicking goals! You do this by having standards and rejecting bad behaviour immediately in a really attractive way. Dating is all about manners and charm.

You express how you feel and assert what you want in a charming, attractive way. No anger, no drama, and no negativity. Stay in your feminine energy.

The above story actually happened to a friend of mine. This guy she’d met the night before text her from a nightclub saying he was leaving and could he call over. She’s very witty and as sharp as a razor when it comes to dating so she responded with something along the lines of ‘You can’t come to my house its midnight and I don’t even know you! I’m not that type of girl but thanks for the offer. Enjoy the rest of your night.’

He responds with ‘you’re really cool, can I take you to dinner?’ My friend was weak for this guy, thought he was gorgeous, and he really did tick all the boxes, but she knew it meant nothing if he wasn’t all in. He’s got to be all in. If you don’t express what you want and show what you will not put up with, no one is going to.

You have to be your own agent and negotiate the best deals for yourself. Give yourself the best shot at finding true love. Athletes give themselves the best shot at winning by eating right, training, sleeping enough etc. If you don’t, it’s like saying I’ll lose weight, but you still have chocolate whenever you feel like it.

You deserve real love. You have to believe that. If you don’t believe that neither will he and he won’t step up to give it to you. Having standards is one of the best ways to see if a guy is serious about you. Research has shown that men make up their minds about women in ten minutes of meeting them.

Basically, they make up their minds immediately. You need to make the best first impression you can. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and set the bar high. Be brave and if it turns out that he is not into you and walks away, it’s great because you know upfront. You are not wasting his time or your time. Get ten steps closer to the right guy for you.

Are you single? Frances is currently running a three-week course on what makes a man believe you are the one. Contact Frances via her website, or on +353-86-075-6842.

By Kathy Prendeville