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Frances Kelleher | Dating Coach & Dating Expert | Ireland

Frances Kelleher Coaching

Multi-Award Winning Coach

Stop Telling Yourself Stories To Find True Love

Stop Telling Yourself Stories To Find True Love

Love is great. Love is the best feeling in the world when you are in it. You literally feel like you are on a different planet. I totally understand. We are all looking for the real deal in this one and only life we have. But stop telling yourself stories to find true love.

Us girls want nothing more than our unique fairy tale. We want to win first place in our guys heart. But the quickest way to bypass getting there, or fail, is by telling yourself your own little stories. I really think this is more of a girl thing, but I have seen some guys do it too. Some reasons for doing this are fear, consoling ourselves or buying ourselves more time with the guy we like. The main reason we need stories is because we don’t like the reality of what is happening. We don’t like how the relationship is unfolding. If we did, we would tell it like it is and that would be enough. We would then be happy and secure in the truth.

For example, you are having casual sex with a guy and you tell yourself you are just having fun. It can’t just be Oxytocin, the love chemical that gets released when a woman orgasms, that bonds you to him.

You can’t beat mother nature. She made the rules. Or telling yourself, when you are with a guy who won’t commit, that you don’t want marriage anyway.

Another example is you meet a guy and he is not playing ball the way you ‘d like him to. He took your number and the next night he texts you at midnight asking can he come over. In your heart you know it is a booty call. But you like him so much you tell yourself some stories. Stories like:

  • He was really busy all day and how wonderful it is that he text you so fast.
  • He could have waited a few days but he didn’t.
  • It’s great he really wants to sleep with me, he must really like me.

No, no, no. He is doing what he wants which is the minimum. Which by the way, is never a good sign at the beginning and you are participating in his tryout.

Dating is just like sport that way. He will either pick you for his team, reject you or worse yet put you on the bench. The bench is where he can call and drop you sporadically. You will sit there in the hope to make it onto the team someday. Now I have to say in this situation, from my experience, this is not a good thing. If he was really into you, he would know he wants you on his team. He would be trying to convince you to sign up by being on his best behaviour. All is not lost though as you can still turn things around with your reaction. Like anything in life it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.

So how do I get on the team and make the cut you ask ?

The simple and direct answer is you play your best. You give a peak performance that includes back flips and kicking goals. You do this by having standards and rejecting bad behaviour immediately in a really attractive way. Dating is all about manners and charm. You express how you feel and assert what you want in a charming, attractive way. No anger, no drama and no negativity. Stay in your feminine energy.

The above story actually happened to my friend. This guy she had met the night before text her from a nightclub saying he was leaving and could he come over. She’s sharp as a razor when it comes to dating and funny. So, she text back something like:

“You can’t come to my house its midnight and I don’t even know you ! I’m not that type of girl but thanks for the offer. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

He texts back “you’re really cool, can I take you to dinner”?

My friend really liked him, thought he was gorgeous and he really did checked all the boxes. But she knew it meant nothing if he wasn’t all in. And ultimately, he became all in with her.

You must express what you want and what you don’t want, or no one will be all in. You have to be your own agent and negotiate the best deals for yourself. And you have to give yourself the best shot at finding true love. Athletes give themselves the best shot at winning by eating right, training, sleeping enough etc. If you don’t, it’s like saying I’ll lose weight, but you still have chocolate whenever you feel like it.

You deserve real love. You have to believe that. If you don’t believe that neither will he and he won’t step up to give it to you. Having standards is one of the best ways to see if a guy is serious about you. Research has shown that men make up their minds about women in ten minutes of meeting them. Basically, they make up their minds immediately. You need to make the best first impression you can. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and set the bar high. Be brave and if he is not into you and walks away, the good news is you know up front. You are not wasting his time or your time. You are ten steps closer the right guy for you. And remember stop telling yourself stories to find true love.

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