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Frances Kelleher | Dating Coach & Dating Expert | Ireland

Frances Kelleher Coaching

Multi-Award Winning Coach

Confidence is a Main Ingredient in Finding the One

Lack of confidence is something people come up against all the time, not just in dating but in life in general. Most people at some stage in their lives will suffer from a lack of confidence. How are some people so confident and others are not?

Firstly, we are born confident. Make no mistake about that. As babies, we cry and assert ourselves when we want something. As children, we dream big and act as we want with no regard for what others think. As we grow up our parents, teachers and peers’ comments affect us and thus our confidence. The school system alone does not encourage us to be who we are or express our unique talents and creative gifts. Sometimes we have had a traumatic event in our lives that strips us of it. To keep our confidence protected and intact we need to work on it to re-ignite it. Confidence can be re-created so do not think that you can never become confident.

Are you feeling beyond lonely and frustrated, wondering how is everyone around you getting married and you’re not? Thinking what am I doing wrong that I can’t make this work in my life when I have made everything else work – my career, my friendships, everything else?

Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Get honest

Be honest about where in your life you need to work on your confidence. You could be completely confident at work and crumble in a dating situation. Once you know where the weaknesses lie you can then work on that specific area. Where your focus goes energy flows. Then get prepared. When you prepare for something, it builds your confidence and self-belief that you can do it. Do research on it, read up about it, or hire a coach. Just take action to prepare yourself. Being prepared and knowledgeable is empowering thus leading you to be more confident. Acting leads you to accomplish your goals which gives you a sense of self-respect and pride, which in turn strengthens your self-belief and confidence. No excuses, no telling yourself stories, no fear. Just taking action and making your own destiny happen because you hold the power. Make no mistake about that. Only you can make your love life happen. It’s up to you and only you to take back control. If I can win at love, anyone can. I’m not special, I’m not smarter than anyone else and I’m not better than anyone. I just made up my mind to succeed and I know you can too!

2. Do what you are good at

We were taught at school to concentrate on our weaknesses. Confident people do the opposite-they focus on their strengths. David Beckham did not go study science because he is not an academic. He is an athlete. He knows where his strengths lie. When you are great at something this brings up your confidence. In contrast, when you are doing something that you are not good at, it chips away at your confidence. The secret is to excel at what you are innately good at. This is where your natural gifts are.

3. Be the gatekeeper to your mind.

We all have negative thoughts but it’s allowing these thoughts to take over, that is the problem. Listen to every thought you have. For every negative thought, replace it with a positive one. You will not believe the effect this will have on your happiness and your life in general. Navy SEALS recruits are trained to use positive self-talk as a way of getting through tough times. This helps them quash fears that develop from the Limbic brain system, a primal part of the brain that helps us cope with stress. If it’s good enough for them, it is good enough for us!

4. Now is the only time you have

Start doing things you are afraid of now. Don’t wait till you feel completely confident or you will never do anything. People think that successful people that reach their goals are not afraid. They are. The difference is they feel the fear, do it anyway, get through it and this raises their confidence to take more risks. This cycle continues which allows them to keep climbing because their self-belief and confidence keep growing. FBI agents, to increase their safety, are actually taught to move closer to the threat because they know that it’s a waste of time to ignore, deny, or avoid fear.

5. Exercise

I cannot stress how life-changing exercise is to your mental, emotional, and physical health. Numerous research has shown the benefits of exercise. Examples are, having a better self-image, preventing depression, and killing stress. It releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals, into your body and keeps you young. Exercise is nature’s anti-depressants in my humble opinion.

6. Give up caring what people think

Let’s be honest, most people don’t believe in themselves so how can we expect them to believe in our goals? Ignore the naysayers and believe in yourself. As John Lydon (lead singer of the Sex Pistols) once said “I have to like myself, I’m all I’ve got”. You have to stand your ground and protect your dreams no matter what people think. If you think you can do it, you can. Stand up for what you want and stand up for yourself. You are enough. Be your own best friend and soon you’ll be living the life you want on your terms. You will be free not to mention bursting with confidence because you were brave enough and authentic enough to follow your own path regardless of what people thought. It’s your one and only life. I’ll say that again. One and only life. Don’t let something as unimportant as what people think  stop you. Go for it.