Relationship expert Frances Kelleher reveals the red flags to look out for if your partner is cheating on you – from guarding their phone to taking more of an interest in their appearance.
For us women, cheating is unforgivable and does not bear thinking about.
Women are emotional creatures. We see sex as an emotional and love-filled act. Men can see sex as simply a physical act and nothing more. They can be unattached and view it as just a physical thing. This is partly because the hormones released during an orgasm are different for men than women. The main hormone released for women is Oxytocin, the cuddle and bonding hormone. It is also known as the love drug and not for nothing either. Women produce more of it than men. It makes you bond with the person you sleep with and lets you see them through rose-colored glasses. In contrast to this, the main hormone released in men is Dopamine.
Dopamine is the pleasure hormone. He feels pleasure. This is how love or meaning can be absent for a man when having sex with a woman. It can make him feel good physically without attachment while keeping his emotional, mental, and providing for his woman at home. Now don’t think for a second, I’m advocating cheating; I certainly am not and I have zero tolerance for it. I am just giving you an insight into how men think and feel differently when it comes to sex.
We ask ourselves why some men cheat when they see we love them and give them everything. The answers I feel are simple – because they can, and they truly believe they will get away with it. Some men are of the attitude that what you don’t know won’t hurt you. But what men don’t realize is, that a woman’s radar and intuition are razor-sharp and most of the time we know what’s going on. We just can’t put our finger on it. Or we can’t pin it down, this nagging feeling in our gut, but we know something is not right. This is where you need to become all woman and all trusting of yourself. We instinctively know what’s best for us, so we need to listen and trust our intuition.
I knew one woman who said that her and her partner’s account all of a sudden, was getting depleted every week and she could not understand why. It never had been like that before and they had even been using a saving plan. When she went to her partner, he just said life is expensive and the cost of living is getting higher and higher, but she knew this wasn’t right. One night when going through the accounts she saw, on their credit card statement, a charge for a hotel that they had never been to together. His job did not involve travel either. She knew there and then he was cheating.
Another woman told me that her boyfriend never went out after work. He used to be too tired. Then he began going to the gym three or four times a week. She decided to follow him one night. He did go to the gym but after that, he went into a house in a housing estate. She waited outside and when he came out, she saw him passionately kiss the woman at the door saying goodbye to him. Suffice to say that was that.
Trusting our intuition allows it to become stronger and more reliable. So, what are the signs and red flags that can signal a partner will cheat or is cheating already?
1. He lies and avoids certain conversations
When people are doing things, they shouldn’t be they have to lie about it. Humans were not built to be bad. We are built to be good. That’s why we blush when we lie, sweat, and our heart rate increases. People will try to avoid the conversation rather than have to try and hide that they are lying. This is why he will tell you that you are crazy and imagining things while he’s trying to get away from you as quickly as he can. He will try and avoid the uncomfortable situation of lying altogether.
2. He guards his phone and takes it everywhere
I feel the most common giveaway is his phone. This is a big and easy one as phones tell you everything about people. They are such a reliable trusted source for the truth, that is why the Mobile Forensics Branch was invented. Men know this too, hence why they will be guarding it with their lives if they are communicating with another woman on it. He won’t leave his phone unattended for a second, even when he’s going to the bathroom, and he will make a big fuss if you ask to see it, etc.
The smarter man gets a second phone. They will use this phone solely for the other woman, and you won’t know it exists unless you find it or hear it ringing by accident. Watch out for the second phone as this is a harder catch because a lot of the time, he will keep it on silent.
3. He takes a newfound interest in his appearance
This is a big one and can be a really obvious sign when someone is cheating. Men will begin going to the gym, wearing gel in their hair, and might even go out and buy new clothes. It’s because he has a new love interest and is trying to impress her. He wants to look his best.
Also, he could have a new lease of energy and a positive outlook.
4. He keeps his social media private
The next big and common thing is social media. Is he communicating with another woman through texts or calls on his accounts? If he does not want to show you his activity or hides his passwords, then this is highly suspicious that he will cheat or is already having an affair.
5. He still talks about his ex or another woman
You are completely correct to feel uneasy about this. The hard fact is that studies have shown that “people were more likely to stay in touch with exes they still had feelings for” and that “those who stayed in touch with an extended to be less committed to their current partner than those who did not but contact with an ex wasn’t associated with how satisfying they found their current relationship.” (Reported in Psychology Today).
Also, men like to talk about what they like, especially women they like, so if he’s talking about another woman very often, even in the “we only workmates” kind of way beware. It’s not a good sign.
6. Money issues
You argue about money more and he does not talk about large future purchases, be it a new home renovation or a holiday together. He stops planning in general.
7. He doesn’t share the details of his day with you anymore
Couples share how their day went, be it good or bad. When he has shared it with someone else there is no need to share it with you. Sometimes people are not even aware that they are not sharing things anymore with their partner when they are cheating.
By Frances Kelleher