Irish dating expert Frances Kelleher says you need to ‘stop telling yourself stories’ to find love
If you want to find true love, stop telling yourself stories.
Love is great. Love is the best feeling in the world when you are in it. You literally feel like you are on a different planet. I totally understand. We are all looking for the real deal in this one and only life we have. Us girls want nothing more than our unique fairy tale. We want to win first place in our guy’s heart. But the quickest way to bypass getting there, in other words, fail, is by telling yourself your own little stories. I really think this is more of a girl thing, but I have seen some guys do it too.
Some of the reasons for doing this are fear, consoling ourselves, or buying ourselves more time with the guy we really like. The main reason we need stories is that we don’t like the reality of what is happening. We don’t like how the relationship is unfolding. If we did, we would tell it like it is and that would be enough because we would be happy and secure in the truth.
For example, you are having casual sex with a guy and you tell yourself you are just having fun. It can’t be just these things when oxytocin, the love chemical that gets released in a woman’s body when she orgasms, bonds you to him. You can’t beat mother nature. She made the rules. Or you‘re telling yourself when you are with a guy who won’t commit that you don’t want to get married any way but really you do.
Another example is you meet a guy and he is not playing ball the way you‘d like him to. He took your number and the next night he texts you at midnight asking can he come over. In your heart you know it is a booty call but you like him so much you tell yourself some stories like he was really busy all day and really it is great that he texted you so fast. He could have left it a few days but he didn’t. It’s great he really wants to sleep with me, he must really like me. No, no, no. He is doing what he wants which is the bare minimum, which by the way is never a good sign at the beginning and you are participating in his tryout.
Dating is just like sport in that way. He will either pick you for his team, reject you or put you on the bench, the worst place to be. This is where he can call you up or drop you sporadically and you will sit there in the hope that you will make it onto the team someday. Now I have to say in this situation, from my experience, this is not a good thing. If he was really into you, he would know he wants you on the team and would be trying to convince you to sign up with his best behavior. All is not lost though as you can still turn things around with your reaction. Like anything in life, it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.
So how do I get on the team and make the cut, you ask. The simple and direct answer is you play your best. You give a peak performance – that includes backflips and kicking goals. You do this by having standards and rejecting bad behavior immediately, in a really attractive way. Dating is all about manners and charm. You express how you feel and assert what you want in a charming, attractive way. No anger, no drama, and no negativity. Stay in your feminine energy.
The above story actually happened to my friend. This guy she had met the night before texted her from a nightclub, saying he was leaving and could he call over. She’s sharp as razors when it comes to dating, and funny, so she texted back something along the lines of “You can’t come to my house, it’s midnight and I don’t even know you! I’m not that type of girl but thanks for the offer. Enjoy the rest of your night.” He texted back “You’re really cool, can I take you to dinner”? My friend was weak for this guy, though he was gorgeous, and he really did tick all the boxes, but she knew it meant nothing if he wasn’t all in.
He’s got to be all in. If you don’t express what you want and show what you will not put up with no one is going to. You have to be your own agent and negotiate the best deals for yourself. You have to give yourself the best shot at finding true love. Athletes give themselves the best shot at winning by eating right, training, sleeping enough, etc. If you don’t, it’s like saying you’ll lose weight, but you still have chocolate whenever you feel like it.
You deserve real love. You have to believe that. If you don’t believe that neither will he and he won’t step up to give it to you. Having standards is one of the best ways to see if a guy is serious about you. Research has shown that men make up their minds about women within ten minutes of meeting them. Basically, they make up their minds immediately. You need to make the best first impression you can. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and set the bar high. Be brave and if it turns out that he is not into you and walks away, that’s great because you know upfront. Each other’s time is not wasted. You are ten steps closer to the right guy for you.